Showing posts from January, 2012

Emptiness is brilliant

It will maybe take a few posts to convince you of this revelation (if you indulge in my fantasy). Firstly, what is emptiness? It is different from voidness. Take a bowl, remove all the things in it and it becomes empty. The space held by the bowl still exists and that is where we can enjoy ourselves. We can fill it with things, remove those things, imagine what things might go in it and so on. If the bowl was constantly full of junk it would become stale and another cluttered area. To keep it fresh, we need to keep it empty.

Perhaps you know where I am going with this but that will do for now. I am tired.

Chronic fatigue conundrum revisited

The more I do the worse I feel. The longer I do more, the more I can do (until I cross an invisible line and I crash).

So then, it seems that as part of the recovery we have to make ourselves feel worse. Not just once, but repeatedly over a period of time. This is a kind of bizarre situation. Interestingly, when the symptoms reappear, all the same old thought patterns reappear, and it's these thought patterns that can make things even worse. If we believe these thoughts then we find ourselves struggling with reality rather than just hanging back for a bit until we find the way back to where we were. Tricky, eh?

Chronic fatigue conundrum

The less I do the better I feel. The longer I do less the worse I become.

There's a beautiful point somewhere where it comes together and works but it's like trying to make the weather stay the same - have you ever tried to stop the weather?

100 things I would like to do despite having a chronic illness

Goals are quite an important thing when you are facing a long illness - perhaps it's because I'm a completer finisher type of person. I have lived with a mixture of hourly, daily, weekly goals for several years now and it helps to build a sense of achievement. I've noticed that my goal setting has increased in range since I've been doing this and, for no apparent reason, I decided to compile a list of 100 things I would like to do even though I'm knackered all the time. Here's what I've discovered:

- I still want to do things like everyone else
- My goals consist of a mixture of physical targets, creative outcomes, travelling, mental excitement and things that I might never realistically achieve.
- Having this list has changed my intention from one of 'surviving' to one of 'how am I going to do that'. Consequently I am trying to do more, even subconsciously.
- Having unrealistic goals is a good thing.

There's probably more, but I would h…

When the mind is going into meltdown, find one breath

There is indeed a great deal of pleasure to be had from being alive as a human being on this planet, but this is not always easy to remember or, indeed, find. Even when we do find a sense of contentment it does not last and then we are left floundering with our habitual mind states. Sometimes, when we have all our buttons pressed in the right sequence, we enter quite challenging worlds of thought where the idea of happiness is as ridiculous as an elephant wearing lipstick.

So then, we are miserable, tormented. One thing I like to do is reconnect with breathing (having enjoyed breathing calmly in the past I know this can lead to some form of relief). It's not easy though, and to keep things simple I try to connect with just one breath. If I can manage just one breath, then I try another. It may not work immediately but it offers me a way out - if I can remember to do it. Indeed, that's why I'm writing this - remember this, remember this.