Feel good techniques

Chronic fatigue conundrum revisited

2012-01-24T12:50:00.000Z

The more I do the worse I feel. The longer I do more, the more I can do (until I cross an invisible line and I crash).

So then, it seems that as part of the recovery we have to make ourselves feel worse. Not just once, but repeatedly over a period of time. This is a kind of bizarre situation. Interestingly, when the symptoms reappear, all the same old thought patterns reappear, and it's these thought patterns that can make things even worse. If we believe these thoughts then we find ourselves struggling with reality rather than just hanging back for a bit until we find the way back to where we were. Tricky, eh?

Chronic fatigue conundrum

2012-01-15T10:38:00.001Z

The less I do the better I feel. The longer I do less the worse I become.

There's a beautiful point somewhere where it comes together and works but it's like trying to make the weather stay the same - have you ever tried to stop the weather?

100 things I would like to do despite having a chronic illness

2012-01-13T11:43:00.000Z

Goals are quite an important thing when you are facing a long illness - perhaps it's because I'm a completer finisher type of person. I have lived with a mixture of hourly, daily, weekly goals for several years now and it helps to build a sense of achievement. I've noticed that my goal setting has increased in range since I've been doing this and, for no apparent reason, I decided to compile a list of 100 things I would like to do even though I'm knackered all the time. Here's what I've discovered:

- I still want to do things like everyone else
- My goals consist of a mixture of physical targets, creative outcomes, travelling, mental excitement and things that I might never realistically achieve.
- Having this list has changed my intention from one of 'surviving' to one of 'how am I going to do that'. Consequently I am trying to do more, even subconsciously.
- Having unrealistic goals is a good thing.

There's probably more, but I would heartily recommend having a set of goals in life just to keep the mind pointing in an upward direction.

I'm not going to put all my goals in one blog post but I may mention them from time to time. My first goal was to write 100 goals - now I've done that I have 99 left.

When the mind is going into meltdown, find one breath

2012-01-03T12:58:00.000Z

There is indeed a great deal of pleasure to be had from being alive as a human being on this planet, but this is not always easy to remember or, indeed, find. Even when we do find a sense of contentment it does not last and then we are left floundering with our habitual mind states. Sometimes, when we have all our buttons pressed in the right sequence, we enter quite challenging worlds of thought where the idea of happiness is as ridiculous as an elephant wearing lipstick.

So then, we are miserable, tormented. One thing I like to do is reconnect with breathing (having enjoyed breathing calmly in the past I know this can lead to some form of relief). It's not easy though, and to keep things simple I try to connect with just one breath. If I can manage just one breath, then I try another. It may not work immediately but it offers me a way out - if I can remember to do it. Indeed, that's why I'm writing this - remember this, remember this.

Things change - know this well

2011-12-30T11:38:00.000Z

It never ceases to amaze me how deep the reality of knowing change goes. We might think we know it, but then as we get older it keeps getting deeper and deeper into our view things until it seems totally incredible that we never saw it in the first place. Change messes with our well-being:

- We cannot control our experience
- We rely on constancy
- We are thrilled by change and the havoc it brings
- Our efforts to contain experience bring struggle
- Things happen
- Life goes on because it does

When we experience sudden change first hand, it is like having a hole ripped in our view of the way things should be. We are forced to grow up in an instant and we are left with a pile of disjointed realities. A world of hurt people opens up and our heart is wrenched into a multitude of sorrows. There is no hiding place. We become 'one of those unfortunates'.

How to feel good in the midst of change? That's not so easy. Perhaps that is the wrong question to be asking.

The sun is shining (and other gratitudes)

2011-12-28T13:03:00.000Z

I am above the water
I have my basic needs met
I have enough
I know what happiness is
I can look after myself
Pleasure is not reliant of circumstance
I have enough to eat
I have enough freedom to relax
I have the chance to begin again

Purify the mind

2011-12-12T12:57:00.000Z

I'm not going to attempt to explain what purification of the mind is because:

a) it's not simple
b) we have our own idea of what this is

All I know is that when I have a clean, smooth running mind then:

a) I have more energy
b) the days are easier to get through

The trick then is to aim to purify the mind everyday and keep it from getting clogged up and generally muddy. Hold moments of purity and stillness in the mind and then soak them into the body. Use the calm, relaxed body to soak into the mind. Gently move between the body and mind. Focus on the clean sensation of effortless presence and take your next moment from there.

Chronic fatigue - forward, forward, backward, backward

2011-12-06T12:53:00.001Z

One thing I'm slowly learning is that it takes a long, long time to make progress with a chronic fatigue illness and that any progress you do make can be wiped out in a moment - tricky to live with you might muse. So, we go forwards a bit and then we go backwards a bit, and we have our minds and emotions to deal with. I remember a quote from Thoreau (I might have misremembered) where he states that he was "perfectly ill" - meaning his illness was his illness and it was perfect just the way it was. A lot of the trouble comes with the mind resisting the illness. You know the score: it shouldn't be like this, not this again, I'm not sure I can take much more of this. This is reactivity and makes things a whole lot worse than they should be.

This is the thing to look out for then. Your illness has flared up again - how are you reacting to it? What assumptions has it upturned? Was is it saying about you? What life had you been building around your magical recovery? Keep an eye on these thoughts and see where they lead ...

Right mindfulness

2011-12-04T12:18:00.002Z

Relaxed, attentive, kind, warm awareness.

Not judging.

Awareness that is detached from the actual goings on of my thoughts and bodily sensations - not me, not mine, you beautiful thing.

Awake without seeing.

Onset, struggle, letting go, emptiness and back again

2011-11-30T12:21:00.000Z

I thought I was making progress but I guess I forgot myself. Here's a list of words that I'm working through right now (having worked through them many times before).

So then:

Onset

Struggle

Yielding

Emptiness

Balance

Why do I struggle so much?

Chronic fatigue and the wheelchair

2011-11-29T12:20:00.001Z

I've had a problem going for a wheelchair since my illness began - mainly because I was physically fit when I started and the problems I had were all centered around mental fatigue and cognitive failures of various kinds. It also happened suddenly and I thought I could tough it out.

Years later, after not considering the wheelchair option (mainly because I didn't want to admit total defeat), I was on holiday and it was clear that people wanted to do things that I couldn't possibly keep up with, unless I went in a wheelchair. So, I could either stay at home or go along and use a freely available wheelchair. I decided to try it out and I was amazed that I could enjoy going out and about without the usual constant struggle to find resting points or coffee shops - I could just relax and enjoy the ride. This transformed the day for everyone and we all had a good time.

Since then I've used a wheelchair several times and it is generally successful. I can rest and go out at the same time. Hurray!

Is your mind inside or outside?

2011-11-23T11:42:00.000Z

Do you live in a world entirely inside your head? Do your thoughts go round and round? Do you only think about yourself? Or, is your mind open and receptive? Is it expansive? Are you taking in your surroundings? Are you wide like the sky?

I know which one I keep getting stuck in ...

We rely on things staying the same

2011-11-20T12:08:00.001Z

I didn't really appreciate this until someone told me yesterday. There's nothing wrong in our reliance on things and people being the same as they were yesterday; it's quite comforting. The trouble is that the world we live in seems to be counter to this notion - indeed, we live in a society that is driven by constant change and innovation. No wonder we feel uncomfortable all the time.

The tools of Buddhism

2011-11-18T15:06:00.000Z

I'm a bit of a scientist and I thought I could science my way through life and somehow deduce a suitable outcome without life getting too bad. However, then I became ill and science let me down really - "you're ill, there's nothing we can do, it's a complex business the human body". I tried a few things and they made me worse (although I am grateful for the opportunity to at least try some treatments). So then, the science let me down.

Once you have no faith that the modern world is going to provide you with relief, you're a bit stuck - there's not much else out there, the system has run out of magic beans. Luckily, I had a casual interest in Buddhism and I gave some of its techniques a try. Here's some of the tools I found particular useful:

- mindfulness meditation
- breathing techniques and meditation (although this goes into yoga)
- concentration meditation - this is particularly healing for a tired mind
- awareness of the body
- awareness of the mind
- awareness of feelings
- seeing that thoughts affect feelings and the body
- cultivating positive mental states
- gladdening the mind
- cleaning up speech and actions
- awareness of change
- faith in change
- seeing how widespread suffering really is
- awareness of emptiness

and so on. It never ends really. Once the Dharma is out of the box, it doesn't go back in again.

Worrying is optional

2011-11-16T09:58:00.000Z

I've been a worrier all my life and it's always fascinated me to see the amount of things that I worry about. Then, when I became quite ill, I didn't worry about anything and life just seemed to tick along just fine without the extra fretting. Now, as I've recovered a little bit, the old habit patterns are starting to re-emerge and there's a sense of pointless worrying starting to return.

However! I've also deepened my meditation over this time and there's a definite optional nature to thinking these thoughts. They arise, they seem believable, if I am aware enough I leave them alone, something else comes along, I go with that, I try to steer towards calmer waters, and so on.

Don't presume to understand your body

2011-11-14T16:28:00.000Z

This is some wisdom I could have done with right at the beginning of my illness. There's a kind of implicit assumption when we are well that we are in control of our body - we drink too much alcohol it feels rough, we take pills for pain, we exercise to make it fitter, we feed it, preen it and admire it in the mirror. It's our body. However, when it goes wrong we would do well to respect the healing process that it needs to go through - processes that can take years to complete. It's a hugely complicated organism and we would do well to leave it alone. The body is part of the iceberg that lies submerged beneath out conscious mind - it wears the accumulation of life on the inside. How? Why? Where? Who knows? Some things are not quite within our grasp.

Anyway, as I go through another healing process I am amazed to find the pain in my neck moving (after several days) into my shoulders (and then after weeks) blossoming across my whole back. Clearly, it has its own agenda, and I shouldn't presume to know what it will do next.

Silence and emptiness

2011-11-11T09:54:00.000Z

Feeling a bit more circumspect today - good days, bad days. One of the great things about Buddhism is that it tackles the idea of emptiness head on and comes up with some joyful results. We are all aware of emptiness to some degree - the sense of pointlessness, that feeling when something terrible has happened and yet life goes on, unacknowledged pain, that kind of thing. It's right there in front of our noses and yet we turn away from it and crack open another chocolate lollipop hoping it will go away.

So then, if we look into the heart of emptiness we find silence and contentment. Emptiness is not nothingness, more like continuous emptying - an empty bowl is still a bowl waiting to do its bowling. We can admire the bowl, use the bowl, keep the bowl clear so it is ready for the next thing.

Give your positive voice some air time

2011-11-08T14:57:00.001Z

Hello beautiful people. Have a nice cup of tea and relax. It's not so bad. We can measure our lives in many different ways but there is no correct way - everything is good in the end. On and on and on, like rolling stones.

If you are reading this, may your life be filled with happiness.

Catching the good waves

2011-11-07T12:18:00.001Z

I've been thrust back into the hurly burly of society, and, boy, it's a bruising experience; it's like sitting on a beach being battered by one heavy wave after another. I'm not sure it really achieves much being stuck in this mind-set of stress reactivity and fear. It's kind of mesmerising but ultimately irrational.

Anyway, that's the sludge. Out in the ocean there are good waves to be had and it seems useful to think that each day is a good day inspite of the fact that we cannot have back what is already gone or stop what might never happen and remember that time does not expand to allow us to do everything at once.

There is relief in awareness and joy in the simple act of frying an egg.

Find the happiness in each day

2011-11-03T16:21:00.000Z

It's in there somewhere.

It's good to remind yourself of this, especially if you're feeling stressed (which we are at the moment) and have lost contact with the idea that there is happiness in life. The best way to connect with happiness is to:

a) practice finding it when life is normal
b) enjoy it when you find it
c) if you've lost it, remember what it used to feel like and then amplify the goose feathers out of it
d) remember, your mind=your life

Chronic fatigue and the afternoon nap

2011-10-30T16:41:00.000Z

This is something I wanted to write about mainly because I have been struggling with it for a few years. I tend to be a morning person and I like to get out in the mornings to get things done. This leaves me with a long day and, as part of my pacing schedule, it was highly useful to have a good rest in the afternoon. However, after a while I came to see this afternoon rest as something problematic - it was consuming a large part of my day and preventing me from doing things. So, I made various attempts over the years to try and eliminate it and shorten it, but these efforts caused a lot of frustration because I would always feel worse afterwards. Bummer.

Then, over the last few months, I changed my attitude to the afternoon nap and decided to accept it as part of my life - it is a good thing; it refreshes me and gives me a chance to recharge my batteries before the evening. This acceptance has freed me from the struggle and as a result I feel much better in general. Hurray!

I explained this to my specialist at my last meeting and he agreed that the afternoon nap should be one of the last things to go. He could have saved me some troubles but it seems as if the siesta is a good thing if it works for you.

Life is a scarring process

2011-10-29T15:44:00.000Z

Having been in a serious incident recently, it never ceases to amaze me what life will throw up - just when I thought I was getting to point A, a whole new set of difficult conditions blows in to take me away to some unpleasant place. It feels as if this 'being' is getting battered and bruised by circumstance and I have to learn to live with the scars. Perhaps it is my expectation that life should be comfortable that is causing me the most hassle - I don't want to be injured, but injured is what has occurred.

Am I thinking too much? Probably.

Just as it is

2011-10-26T16:11:00.000Z

Identify the natural poise of being - not forcing, not drifting, but the supple middle ground. Things come, things go. We are up, we are down. Good days, bad days. Life marches on regardless.

the code

2011-10-24T13:40:00.002Z

7TRKSGX57D4Z

Just sit

2011-10-21T11:13:00.000Z

There's a lot of variations on how to do meditation practice and what to focus the attention on, and this can lead to a kind of overloaded mental approach where the mind is filled with questions. This leads away from meditation. Indeed, what we practice when we sit there thinking is the ability to sit there thinking!

So then, abandon conceptual thoughts and just sit instead. Follow the breath in, follow the breath out. Sit, sit, sit. If you sit for long enough you might be aware of a place in the mind where there is "no language". Aim for "no language" and infuse your whole presence into your sitting posture. Be proud of just sitting. Empty the mind of concepts and let the sitting posture flow through you.

When I am breathing there is just the breath

2011-10-18T15:15:00.001Z

You might like to try this thought out when you take your next breath, which I am confident will be within the next minute or so. See if you can let go of the person who is thinking the thoughts and be there for the breath - in and out, like a bellows on automatic pilot.

I tried it and managed a momentary fragment of peace.

We are all looking for relief

2011-10-14T11:39:00.000Z

After putting myself through the mincer for a bit, my thoughts fell upon the word 'relief'. The question was:

Relief from what?

The answer seemed to be:

My mind.

Then I realised that I spend a lot of my life trying to getting relief from one mind state or another and that there's something great about eating a chocolate cake to get some relief but that's a bit like hiding a hole in the wall with a pretty picture.

No peace in stillness

2011-10-11T11:08:00.001Z

I guess I'm learning that I'm never going to arrive at a place where something is ever finished. I find that with art, with this blog, with meditation, and with my illness situation. Things are just on going. Done is never done, it's just a moment in a process that keeps chugging along. We can't deny that life is happening.

So then, a bit more feel good blogging. The sun, the spiders, and well being from the beginning of time.

Finding happiness even when things are difficult

2011-09-29T11:37:00.000Z

Life is never easy and I've spent a good long while finding that out for myself. However, that doesn't really seem to be the issue. Assuming that there is a point at which life can be easy seems to be a main cause of the difficulty. Now, this is just a way of thinking (a point of view), and, since thoughts are just our personal play things, we can open ourselves to the idea that if we change our thoughts then lots of other things will change too.

A short breathing meditation experiment

2011-09-23T11:04:00.000Z

I keep trying to write a final post but I keep coming back for more. Perhaps I should look into that ...

Anyway, here's an exercise I've been doing over the last few days to try and stay connected with a sense of ease in the body and mind:

- Set up a timer for 3 minutes. You can use mine if you want.
- Aim to do 4 breaths a minute. You can either track your progress per minute or close your eyes and do 12 (or less) in three minutes.

That's it. Short and sweet.

A simple practice for feeling good

2011-09-19T10:56:00.000Z

Follow the breath.

It's not as easy as it sounds, but if you do follow the breath (come what may) then all kinds of things happen - many of them quite pleasant.

Obviously it's a meditation practice but it goes something like this:

- Sit down to meditate, what should I be doing?
- Follow the breath
- Get lost in thoughts, what do I do?
- Follow the breath
- I feel calm, what should I do next?
- Follow the breath

You get the idea. Clearly, you may get overwhelmed by your thoughts, and you may find this advice a bit non-sensical, but there it is. Follow your breath.

Remember,

2011-09-12T09:03:00.001Z

Cultivate happiness

Winding down

2011-09-08T15:43:00.000Z

I feel that there's not much more I can add to this blog. I've not found any miracle techniques but then I didn't expect to. It's all down to working with the mind:

Find what makes your mind happy and contented, then stick with it.

Clearly this is not an easy task, but that's my final summary of my last few years. We're all different; some like apples, some like pears, some like brussel sprouts. Our tastes even change as time rolls by. Things come and go and disappear. New things pop up to replace them. It's an endless adventure of change.

Good luck!

Relax the muscles in your face

2011-09-06T11:26:00.000Z

I've noticed during my many attempts at relaxation that the area of most tension for me is in the face. In an attempt not to have my life etched into my face, here some exercises that I like to do to try and undo some of the tension:

- Firstly, close the eyes and notice the tension in the face and head area. Contrast this with an area of the body where there is less tension - the legs or belly. Notice the difference between tense and unwound. Imagine a tension free face.

- Scrunch your face into a grimace and let it go. Take a breath.

- Open your face in a gesture of amazement and let it go. Take another breath.

- Notice if your face is less tense.

- Quite often (for me) there's a kind of mental fog behind the forehead. This fog manifests in my face as a kind of heaviness. Notice the fog and breathe energy into it. If there's some openness in the body, breathe into the openness and then move that energy up into the head. Then let the effort go.

- Try breathing lightness and energy into the whole head for a few breaths.

- Now, try to summon some pleasant feelings into the face. Try to smile. It make seem a bit fake if you're not used to it (and don't do it company otherwise they'll think you've either (a) gone mad or (b) are being smug). If a big smile is stretch try a small smile at the corner of the lips. If this feels good, then connect your mind up with the pleasant feeling and stick with it as long as is possible. Move the pleasure all over your face.

- Then, relax every muscle in the face all at once.

Let go of control

2011-09-01T12:01:00.000Z

Being in control is one of things we can pride ourselves with, but it's easy to get a bit over the top and try to exert control on things that are basically uncontrollable - this leads to stress, which in turn leads to a draining of energy. This is not good! In this exercise, reign back your natural instincts to get what you want and tell yourself:
- we can't know everything
- we can't stop the things that happen
- we will never get what we ultimately want (it's a kind of mirage)
- life goes on fine even if we are not there
- we can't fix people

So, we learn the skills of patience and appropriate response, and then go with flow.

Chronic fatigue - what is sensible for me right now?

2011-08-29T10:11:00.000Z

I ask myself this question a lot and I find it quite helpful when I'm about to do something that:

a) I used to be able to do as a fit person
b) Seems to be stretching myself in my current state

Usually when I ask the question, the answer is generally 'not really' because I know in my heart that I'm pushing myself too hard. It's a kind of a grounding question, bringing me back to reality rather than allowing myself to dwell in a deluded view of myself as I used to be.

This tension between 'how I used to be' and 'how I am now' is an interesting aspect of this illness - perhaps I am still in denial of some kind. Perhaps I always will be, but I guess it is part of life to live with these old versions of our self grumbling away.

Chronic fatigue and having the confidence that bad moments will pass

2011-08-25T11:34:00.000Z

This is something quite important I think. There are many bad times with chronic fatigue - times that are quite humbling for active, getting-things-done kind of people. Quite often there are periods when things are going well punctuated with sudden collapses in energy for no apparent reason. There's a lot of mental struggle that can happen when it goes wrong yet again, but after a few years I've grown to respect these bad times and let them play themselves out. This "letting go" state of mind helps me more than trying to fight with the symptoms as they get worse and worse. Part of this "letting go" is having confidence that these bad moments will pass.

This confidence or internal faith is an important mental idea and it also crops up in Buddhist psychology as part of transcendental dependant origination. Transcendental dependant origination is a logical set of steps that lead from suffering to enlightenment, with various nice things along the way. The message I get from it is that there is a way that having the confidence that things will change inevitably leads to more positive states of mind. This is great news - difficulty leads to happiness if you hang in there.

The full steps (in brief) are:

- Suffering
- Faith/confidence
- Joy
- Rapture
- Tranquility
- Happiness
- Concentration
- Knowledge
- Disenchantment
- Dispassion
- Freedom
- Enlightenment

Faith then, wherever we can find it, is having the wisdom to let go into some greater agency and allowing life to progress naturally without "our" efforts to control it. It is a marvellous thing to cultivate.

Who is in charge of who?

2011-08-23T11:44:00.000Z

It seems fairly clear that there are multiple agencies at work in our minds making us do things in the world. I have a fairly strong intention in my life which goes something like this:

- Keep it steady, don't overdo it, stay within your limits

And, I also have fairly severe feedback if I stray very far from this intention. So you'd think that it's pretty clear that this sensible, take-it-easy chap is the one who is in charge on a day to day basis. However, this is rarely the case. Within minutes (seconds even) of waking up, a whole host of other 'important' voices make themselves heard, and, if I'm not paying attention, I can end up doing things 'I' didn't even really want to do.

Now, here's another thing I've noticed. I might be innocently sitting in a cafe minding my own business when I hear a conversation at the next table that seems innocuous enough. Then I might hear one phrase that triggers something in me and I forget my relaxing intention and so thinking stressful thoughts instead.

What is the point of all this? Well, it's clear that we are not entirely in charge of our own minds and that we should pay heed to this or end up in all kinds of mental knots. What messages are we getting from the world? What do they do to us? How should we deal with those messages? What are our deepest values that we can refer back to?

Get out of the head and into the body

2011-08-22T10:31:00.000Z

We spend a lot of our time in our thoughts without even realising we are doing it. There's nothing wrong with this but we may find ourselves in difficult mental states that seem tyrannical and burdensome without any real way out. Luckily, we are more than just our prefrontal cortex and if we expand our perspective to include the awareness of other parts of our being, then we may find some relief after all.

Here's something to try through out the day:

- Notice: thinking, thinking, thinking.
- Take a deep breath: follow it into the body.
- Relax into the body.
- If you can, notice that the awareness has shifted from the front of your head to a more spacious place.
- Try to hold the spaciousness in the body. How many breaths can you sustain it for?

Some simple meditation intention instructions

2011-08-19T10:37:00.000Z

Meditation is quite an interesting skill to master; one day we might be in the groove, the next day we might be all over the place. It seems that we are easily blown around by what happens in everyday life and, since there is an act of remembering about meditation, we easily forget what we are supposed to be doing, especially when we haven't needed to remember for a while.

Here's a few simple pointers that help me reset my intention when I've lost my way:

Remember:

- Abandon bad mind states (and avoid them)
- Cultivate good mind states and stay in the good ones. (Don't feel guilty about it, it's the right thing to do).
- Open the forehead, cultivate spacious mind, and relax the body.

I can usually find my back from there. You can also try gladdening the mind, but I'll talk about that some other time - it comes under cultivating the good.

(Note, the first two point comprise the four right efforts of Buddhism).

Does meditation help with chronic illness?

2011-08-15T11:59:00.000Z

Well, I'd say a definite yes. As we go through our life, our bodies and minds get bent out of shape. We hold stress contracted in our muscles and thought patterns that have adapted to cope with life. This chronic stress depletes us and, if we are unfortunate enough to fall ill, everything comes home to roost - the body has nothing left, and what we used to rely on (energy, our youth, being tough, working till we drop, worrying things to death) doesn't work anymore. So then, meditation is coming home, unravelling our bent out of shape lives. It allows us to taste a different sense of who we are - relaxed, spacious, flexible, patient - qualities that help out minds to come to terms with a long, life altering illness.

Good decision

2011-08-02T11:09:00.000Z

Whatever you decide, give yourself this feedback. If any other feedback enters the mind, then gently replace it with this feedback instead. If something comes to your attention that seems to undermine your original decision, accept it, and then gently remind yourself that it was a good decision when you made at the time.

Or keep it simple:

always, good decision

Simple common sense nutrition tips

2011-07-29T12:09:00.000Z

I'm not a nutritionist but here's what helps me feel a little bit perkier and it also helped me to lose two stone in weight over a few short months.

- Avoid sugar. This will smooth out sudden drops in energy level once the benefit of sugar has passed.It's generally considered to be a bad guy by those who know.

- Avoid wheat. It interferes with digestion and absorption of food. Also, you'll eat less bread (very salty) and commercial cakes as a result.

- Avoid caffeine. It messes with my system big time. Let your body perk itself up naturally.

- Avoid alcohol. It has its place but not when you're looking after your body.

- Buy a blender / smoothy maker. This has increased my vegetable intake considerably - especially beetroot.

- Plan all your meals. This will make it easier to stick to a healthy diet.

- Eat a wide variety of fruit and vegetables. Turn yourself into a goat (basically). I try to have a balanced meal with protein and starch for food combining reasons.Check out the Krebs cycle, a modern scientific wonder.

Chronic fatigue - the going backwards state of mind

2011-07-01T10:59:00.000Z

Chronic fatigue is an up and down illness, probably because something is wrong with the body - like a broken car, we can drive it around if we are careful but then at some point smoke starts pouring out of the bonnet and we know it's time to stop. One of the psychological difficulties I find hard is when it all starts going backwards after a sustained spell of seeming progress. When this combines with some other difficulty in your life, it can feel quite challenging to maintain a compassionate perspective on things. All the demons come out; all the regrets, the guilt, the remorse, the 'what could have beens', like an endless litany of demoralising home truths - this is what I call the going backwards state of mind. Couple this with feeling like poo and it's a fairly challenging set of conditions.

I find I have two options - I can face the gruelathon until the storm blows out - going backwards feels like this, but it's nothing personal. Or, I can hope I have enough energy to divert my thoughts to something more constructive (like a pacing schedule), and wait for the storm to pass over. Importantly, I already know that the storm will pass over and I have survived it many times before - there's a natural turning towards what is deeply true about this situation. Somewhere I am OK, this is how it is at the moment, and it's not like this all the time.

You might also like to read something else I wrote: chronic fatigue and the cycle of doom. Sometimes we have strength to see through the downer, sometimes it is a little harder.

The Buddhist washing machine

2011-06-22T10:52:00.000Z

This is my attempt to bring some clarity to a part of Buddhist psychology that caught my attention and opened a window into something I'd been pondering about for a while - namely, why do we become what we think? Also, why does a difficult thought lead to even more difficult thoughts? I've used the honeyball sutta as my basis and added a feedback loop.

So, I've been itching to do a diagram and here it is:

1. Imagine we start from a clean, neutral position (sometimes we wake up like this, or we can get there by using meditation techniques). Nothing is going on, there is stillness.

2. We hear a sound (or other sense impression). In Buddhism this is called contact - there is the object (the form) and our corresponding consciousness that is generated by contact with the form. A sound is heard.

3. The sound is either pleasant, unpleasant or neither. We don't think about this - it's an instinctive reaction. This is called feeling tone.

4. Along with feeling tone comes perception. We know the object - sound of engine -> car. This also happens effortlessly.

5. Now, from the perception our thoughts open up. There's a car, it sounds old. In the honeyball sutta, this goes into mental proliferation - we keep having thoughts and they run away with our minds. However, it's important to note that each thought we have is in itself 'contact'. So, immediately we go back round the loop again. Sometimes a sound can be neutral, then we perceive it, have a thought about it and then it's this thought that generates the unpleasantness in us.

That completes the loop. Each moment of consciousness conditions the next. Once we have one negative thought we start a cycle of negative thinking that gathers momentum in our heads (the same goes for positive thoughts too). We can interrupt this process by applying mindfulness at the thinking stage and directing our thoughts into something else. Something external might also shift us into a new cycle - a phone call from a friend, a nice poem. Anyway, round and round we go loading new events into our minds like clothes into a washing machine.

I like to use this model at regular moments in the day - what is going on right now? How am I feeling? What flavour of thoughts am I thinking? Can I introduce more positive thoughts? Can I put myself in more positive situations? What is generating the negative thoughts? And so on. The way I am thinking is conditioned by the situations I am in and my learned responses to them. This attitude gives me a little bit of room around difficult ideas I might be having - they're not me, they're just what is going on right now.

Extra note, you might also notice that this process is formed from the five aggregates - the elements of self creation - although I'm not going to go there.

Connect with your psoas muscle

2011-06-17T10:47:00.000Z

The psoas muscle is right at the core of your body running down from behind the belly button to the hips. It's quite an interesting muscle because it used by your body in stress response and while contracted it has a distorting effect on your posture and leads to subtle energy usage. For many years while under stress, I had trouble with front thigh numbness which I now believe to be caused by a constantl;y tight psoas muscle. The only unfortunate thing about the muscle is that it's not easy to sense because it's right in the middle of your body.

One easy way to stretch this muscle is to lie on the floor and bring both knees to the chest. Then allow one leg to straighten out on the floor. This stretches one side. Now repeat the exercise by bringing both knees to the chest and allowing the other leg to straighten out on the floor. Co-ordinate these movements with your breath and you will have quite a nice relaxation exercise.

Another way to relax this muscle is to imagine the base of your spine stretching away from the mid point of your spine, as if the vertebrae are being gently opened up. Imagine this sense of opening and relaxation in this area and you might find it letting go. After a while you will get a sense of the tension in your psoas muscle as you go about your day to day business - try and keep it as relaxed as possible.

Finally, it is also interesting to me that one of the focus points for breath meditation is the area behind the belly button. It's as if tuning in to this area has a naturally soothing effect on the mind - relax your psoas, relax your mind.

Positivity - an introduction

2011-05-23T12:03:00.000Z

So then, here's a big topic. As part of being ill, I was instructed to stay positive and look on the bright side. This seemed quite difficult given the list of challenges I was facing but I'm not one for giving up before trying it out first. So I tried being positive and noticing positive things that happened in my life but it all seemed a bit fake and I struggled with it for a while - yes, the sun is shining but what about the wreckage of my life.

Then, after hanging round some positive people, I realised that 'me' trying to be positive wasn't going to achieve anything; something more was needed. I realised that it was my point of view that needed to change. I needed to experience postive feelings fully and live life through those positive feelings, as opposed to simply willing myself to think positive.

Being positive isn't pretending everything is all right when it isn't. It's not even going there in the first place. Not an easy feat, but the alternative isn't so great either.

Heartfulness as opposed to mindfulness

2011-05-14T13:06:00.000Z

I know when people see the word 'heart' the hackles go up and we assume something lightweight is going on, but in this case I am refering to the spatial location of awareness rather than a love heart situation. It's also interesting to note that in Buddhist circles heart and mind are interchangeable words, which seems incongruous but it does point to something. Anyway, disclaimer over.

Mindfulness implies some form of mental activity which inturn implies that we are actively doing something. This leads to the situation where we actively watching ourselves not doing anything which is kind of paradoxical. Heartfulness is mindfulness but our attention comes from the heart area. This leads more naturally to relaxed, attentive, awareness as we sit with our body watching the stream of events arise and pass away. There is less opportunity for striving and analysing as we are not using that part of our mind to be with experience.

So sit in the heart and see what happens. Make your heart your home.

Chronic fatigue, mental proliferation and the cycle of doom

2011-04-28T12:17:00.000Z

I had an outage recently and managed not to get too sucked in to the mire. Here's a picture that explains it (it gets bigger if you click on it):

Briefly:

wake up -> feel bad -> think down thoughts -> more bad feelings -> down thoughts invites friends; more difficult thoughts -> then you're stuck in the s**t.

So then, it's best to try to not engage with this process, although almost impossible because the physical evidence is telling you something else and the mental associations happen very quickly.

Where is the way out? Friendly thoughts have friends too.

Today is a good day because ...

2011-04-24T07:59:00.000Z

Well, it's up to you to fill in the blanks.

Here's a few suggestions:

- the weather is sunny
- we are all together
- we have pleasant things to do
- I know where I am

and so on. The important thing is to take a moment to think about it.

Chronic fatigue - efforting versus allowing

2011-04-17T08:01:00.000Z

Some days just never get going - it's just a brain with sludge in it. When this happens (as it has been doing recently) then it's time to take another approach. There's a difference between trying to get going (efforting) and giving yourself the room to get going (allowing). Efforting is contracted, forcing, a pressure to reach a certain level of functioning. Allowing is finding somewhere pleasant and letting things rise in a more natural fashion - we drift on the currents of our wellness. We stay open, we stay relaxed, until we have reached an accommodation with our day ahead.

Thoughts are just thoughts but they do have effects

2011-04-11T12:03:00.000Z

It's comforting to know that thoughts are just thoughts and we can leave them at that, but they are still quite difficult. Particular thoughts have quite substantial impacts on our feelings and emotions. If I said I saw your partner kissing someone else in the window of cafe, then, if you believed me, you might experience a series of difficulties. If you have an underlying illness then these difficulties can lead to all sorts of problems that leave you feeling quite helpless.

So then, thoughts are just thoughts but that's just one part of the process. They still have the power to hurt like hell.

What thought am I believing right now?

2011-03-31T11:57:00.000Z

This is an interesting exercise to try, especially when you're getting a bit frazzled. Simply ask yourself:

What thought am I believing right now?

You might struggle to see the point of this (as I once did) because it seems irrelevant - stuff is going on and that's that. However, you might modify it a bit and ask:

What thought am I believing right now that makes me feel uncomfortable?

Assuming you once knew what being comfortable was, you might realise that something in your mind is drawing you away from feeling at ease. Have a look and see. Is there some level of thought belief driving your inner world? Are you driving yourself crazy?

Chronic fatigue - good days and bad days

2011-03-30T12:33:00.000Z

I guess everyone in life has good days and bad days, but when you have a chronic illness there's an extra bit of sauce to the experience. Bad days are very frequent and there's a whole plethora of mental struggle when they happen - how bad will it get? Good days are surprising and the mind gets carried away - I'm cured!

In reality, we are not entirely in control of what is happening. Our body is on a mysterious, undulating journey filled with ups and downs, and our 'self' is a helpless passenger on that journey. Things go well and we think our journey is pleasant (and coming to an end), then things go badly and our journey is a nightmare. Perhaps, instead of being a victim of circumstance, we should learn to observe the reality of what is going on and our reactions to it. To a certain extent, we can control our reactivity and see the bigger picture - just a bad day, just a good day, just a normal day, no reaction, no reaction, no reaction. Then, if we are lucky, we might become like an old cat watching birds come and go in the garden, and seeing them as just birds, leaving them be and enjoying the sunshine instead.

We are not responsible for the happiness of another

2011-03-28T12:28:00.000Z

This is an interesting realisation if you like to please people or keep life on a happy course. You'll know you're this way inclined if you find unpleasant situations difficult, e.g. you are in a room full of arguing people and you take on the role of peacemaker to try and cheer people up. Perhaps we think that we are in some way responsible for keeping things nice for everyone. Eventually, after years of effort and discomfort for ourselves, we realise that something is amiss

Ultimately, we are not responsible for the happiness of another. We can be there for them, we can care about them, but we cannot prevent people from experiencing difficult situtations. When we experience difficult situations for ourselves we realise that the only transformative way to face up to the difficulty is to find some strength from within. And so it is with other people. We should respect them, be there for them and give them room to find their own inner resources.

There is a complicated balance to be found here between being stand-offish and irresponsible, to being overly interfering and foolish. Perhaps the key is to use compassion for other people and for ourselves. Once we learn to make use of compassion we start to find the middle ground that we need.

Why did I write this? Once we realise the above, there is something liberating about reacting to our habitual discomfort in more creative ways. We become slightly lighter in some way.

Enjoy a beautiful breath

2011-03-24T13:18:00.000Z

This is quite a simple experience and can be had any time of the day. Take a moment to compose yourself and then set the intention to be present for your breathing. Now, allow everything to stop for a moment - all your breathing, thinking and general gnarled up go-getting. Just stop. Rest in a perfectly still moment. Now, allow your in breath to start all on its own. Notice the mild feeling of relief to be breathing again, notice the sweet flood of pleasure as the breath rushes into your body - expand this pleasure by pushing this pleasantness into your feet and right up to your head.

Now, hold the in breath for a moment and take a moment to notice your discomfort. Then let the breath come out of your body. Notice the mild feeling of relief to be letting the breath out again. If you can, allow your whole body to deflate with the breath and notice how pleasant that feels. Allow yourself to sink into the moment and feel the pleasantness of relaxation.

And that's it! One breath.

Vipassana (insight) meditation explained

2011-03-15T12:29:00.000Z

Vipassana (or insight) meditation is another form of meditation that you might come across - it's a kind of "what next" after you've been meditating for a while. Initially I was confused by vipassana because people seem to interchange between using the term "mindfulness" and "vipassana", and there seemed to be no specific intructions on what it was. I'm going to attempt to explain it here so I can get it straight in my own head.

In general, we start meditating by using tranquility or mindfulness to bring some steadiness to our minds - a form of samadhi/concentration. In this state, the mind is settled and we no longer get drawn away from our calm abiding by compulsive thinking - our mind isn't racing about here, there and everywhere. This in itself is a pleasant place to hang out in, but we might notice that although we are calm in meditation, we are not so brilliant when we resume our everyday lives.

So, there must be something more to explore about ourselves - this is where vipassana meditation comes in. We use our calm, concentrated mind to pay attention to our moment by moment experience - mindfulness of existance, if you like. As we focus on our inner mental landscape, insights arise - we notice that thoughts just happen, there are physical objects and our mental experience of those objects, things arise in our mind and leave our mind, and so on. Insights are different from statements of fact because they are experienced and realised in awareness - it's the difference between seeing a photograph of a beach and actually sitting on the beach. As vipassana meditation deepens, the insights become more and more profound and the fundamental nature of our reality as human beings becomes unravelled. That's not something to get into now, suffice to say that no stone is left unturned.

So, how do you do vipassana? Different teachers have different approaches. One way is to use the breath. Once the mind is still, we focus our attention on where the breathing can be felt and really delve into that experience. How do we know that we are breathing? How do we experience the breath? Is the experience constant? What sensations are there? Is the beginning the same as the end? How do we know each moment of the breath? What is the finest resolution of these moments? Gradually, as we look deeper, the concept of the breath dismantles and there are just sensations in the body and experiences in the mind. Seeing these mental experiences coming and going is the beginning of the insight journey.

Chronic fatigue - damned if you do, damned if you don't

2011-03-10T12:45:00.000Z

Bad days are going to happen whatever we try to do - even if we try to pace ourselves into a 100% scheduled robotic existence. Here's one thing that I've noticed:

- I wake up and I can't seem to get going.
- I feel rubbish. I can either a) rest it out, or b) do some things I had planned (in a careful kind of way).

Now, I've had plenty of practice at feeling quite unwell so I've tried both (a) and (b), and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter which one you pick. If I try to rest it out, I lie there in a contracted state feeling awful and it's an unpleasant time. If I do (b) then I walk round in a stupor doing what I can until I can rest again - still an unpleasant time.

Conclusion: when I feel rubbish I naturally restrict my engagement with the world, whether I'm lying down or pottering around. It's this that helps my cognitive difficulties, not what I'm doing (as long as I'm not doing anything major). Indeed, if I can properly relax then I might even get a lucky break and feel OK for a bit.

To have confidence in this you need a baseline that you can return to. Never force yourself to do something that you know is beyond your limits.

Chronic fatigue - mindfulness of energy

2011-03-03T13:26:00.000Z

This is something I do a lot, especially when I know I have something to do near the end of the day or if I have a major day planned. Basically, when you have limited energy resources it's good to keep an eye on where your energy is going. Are you using it going up and down stairs, walking into the wind, worrying too much, chatting to people, having the television on, browsing the Internet, cooking, getting up from a chair and sitting down again, listening to people talking too much, being round children, shopping, walking round a shopping mall (a lot of sensory overload in these places without me even knowing it), and so on. The good news is that if you pay attention (mindfulness) to what you are doing when you are doing it then you tend to use less energy and, curiously, if you get it right you might even feel energised afterwards.

How does this work? When we pay attention to things as we do them, we stop the mental straining that accompanies the sense of 'getting things done' and we become more in tune with our bodies - we breathe easier, relax our muscles, and enter a flow like state. We become less distracted, less stressed, and our limited energy goes a teeny bit further.

Who is in charge of your mind?

2011-02-25T17:15:00.000Z

Is it you? Do you like to think the thoughts you think? Where do they come from? Would you rather be thinking something else? Can you think different thoughts instead? How much of your thinking is determined by what people tell you? Many questions, much to ponder. How can we think beautiful thoughts?

Concentration meditation (samadhi) explained

2011-02-18T11:42:00.000Z

Here's my attempt to clarify concentration meditation in my own mind. This is in contrast to an earlier post on mindfulness meditation. I won't try to explain all the different techniques you might use to get concentrated as this would take too long, so I'll focus on using the breath and deep relaxation.

The first thing to understand about concentration meditation is that it has very little to do with everyday concentration as we know it, i.e. focusing on a task intently, thinking hard about something. It has more to do with tranquility and letting go of contraction and allowing a new kind of experience to arise - altered mind states known as jhanas. The intention is to generate a unity of body and mind.

Anyway, first things first. We begin concentration meditation by placing attention on a single object, such as the breath, using mindful awareness. We use mindfulness as a technique to stabilise our attention (this is probably why people get confused between mindfulness and concentration meditation). As in all meditation, during this initial phase we are engaged in a struggle between remaining mindful and being distracted by thoughts (in the guise of the five hindrances). Each time we get lost we simply return to the object of our attention - the breath. We can use various techniques to remain interested in the breath such as breath counting or repeating phrases as we breathe in and out.

Once we have stable attention, we then use the breath to purposefully relax the body and tranquillise any tension that we might be holding. At some point we will notice pleasureable feelings arising in the body and we can then switch attention to them. We abide with these pleasurable sensations and allow them to expand so that we become fully drenched in them. These feelings envelope us and, as we stay with them, we notice a great contentment being felt. We follow the contentment and this, in turn, gives way to an easeful stillness. People seem to disagree about the naming of these states, but I'd say that this is access concentration.

At this point we are still 'ourselves' and we might be able to recognise the five so-called jhanic factors pulsing round our system:

- initial application of attention
- sustained application of attention
- rapture/joy
- happiness/contentment
- one pointedness or singleness of mind.

Any stray thoughts that may arise at this time will be of little interest and easily let go of.

So, onwards. The next stage is to dwell in the singleness of mind with all our senses working with the mental experience of the breath. Our intention is to let go and surrender our mind. At some point, if we stick with the breath, a switch happens and the mind is liberated from its normal operations and we feel profoundly different - we are in jhana. There are no stray thoughts here anymore and if we do think we immediately fall out of the jhanic state. The jhanic states continue as we go deeper into them until it all goes very bizarre indeed.

I think that will do for now. Hopefully I've illustrated the difference in approach between continuous mindful awareness and concentration meditation.

The difficulty with concentration meditation is letting the positive mental states dominate us totally - that's why it's best to limit the distractions in our life and generate goodwill for everything.

Mindfulness meditation explained

2011-02-12T12:35:00.000Z

Here's my attempt to explain it, mainly so I can clearly differentiate for myself between mindfulness and concentration meditation (explained here). The first thing to note is that there is no specific mindfulness meditation; it is a technique used in both concentration meditation and vipassana meditation (commonly refered to as mindfulness meditation (confusingly)).

Mindfulness, then, is using awareness to observe the activity of the mind (and the impressions of the world on the mind) directly. Most of the time we rely on our brains to interpret reality for us so that we don't need to make any conscious effort ourselves. This is quite handy because our brains screen out a lot of junk that we don't need to know about, but it also leads to problems because we can live in a totally distorted view of what is really happening. This is not good. It's like we form an opinion about the weather by watching weather forecasts rather than by looking out of the window to see for ourselves.

So then, mindfulness meditation is the intentional effort to pay attention to mental phenomena. We set out with the intention to observe something reliable and neutral, typically our breath, and sit there and watch. Within moments we are distracted by thoughts. The thoughts come and go, and then we return to our breath. Perhaps we notice the difference in the quality of our awareness.

As we sit there we may notice other things. Sounds may come to us and we make a mental note - hearing. Back to the breath - in breath, out breath. Are we breathing long? Are we breathing short? We may notice a pain or sensations in the body and we make a note of those. If our mindfulness is strong then we might investigate those sensations - where is the pain? Then perhaps we become lost again.

This is the mindfulness meditation technique; observing, noting, getting lost, coming back, observing something else that arises. If we manage to maintain awareness for long enough then the awareness may settle and then we fall into a state of momentary concentration. We are then at rest in awareness and phenomena come and go effortlessly. This then becomes the launch pad for further inquiry and we start vipassana meditation in earnest.

That'll do for now.

Chronic fatigue pacing part 1 - why is pacing difficult?

2011-01-12T12:18:00.000Z

First and foremost, a strong will is necessary. Luckily, feeling dreadful all the time was incentive enough to make me want to do it. Here are some other points to note:

- It requires effort to plan a routine and effort is in short supply when you're wiped out.
- It's boring. Sticking to a routine lacks excitement.
- It's frustrating. You have to deny yourself constantly, even when you are feeling bouncy.
- Guilt. If you don't stick to your routine you feel bad and we don't want that.
- More guilt. Pacing is restrictive for you and the people you live with. They don't generally enjoy it.
- It's a struggle. Trying to rest even if you don't want to rest is a bit of a tussle.
- Resting is difficult. Unless you're trained in the arts of resting and meditation, having a lot of resting time is difficult to fill. How do you rest?
- It's a long term thing. It takes a long, long, long time to get lasting results.
- You're trying to alter your habitual mind. It's like going on a diet or stopping smoking or stopping watching TV. These habits are not easy to change.

Finally, you don't really feel like 'doing pacing' thank you very much. Perhaps things are going great, or perhaps they are not. If they are not then you need to try something different.

Chronic fatigue and pacing - introduction

2011-01-10T12:25:00.000Z

I've decided to do a series of posts on pacing since I seem to have a lot of notes about my experiences with pacing and what I've been doing with it over the last few years. If you see a chronic fatigue specialist in the UK, or even a therapist who knows what chronic fatigue is, they'll recommend you do pacing. It's also one of the NICE guidelines for treating the condition. If you have another condition, such as lupus, that has a massive fatigue component, I would recommend pacing to help with that. I'll be writing from personal experience and it will be informed with my love of psychology, science, behaviour therapy, life and Buddhism (a laymans form of Buddhism).

So what is pacing? Pacing means planning your day so that you have plenty of rest between any activity you choose to do. In short, you do an activity, rest, do an activity, rest, and so on. It also means not doing activities that are beyond your abilities, i.e. not planning a 10k run (as if!) followed by a 10 minute rest. It means being sensible and, if you're like me, being sensible is not that easy to achieve. We don't always do what is good for us.

That'll do for now.

Feeling good by Dr David Burns

2011-01-07T09:46:00.000Z

This is an excellent book for any human being, although it was originally conceived as a CBT book. It's written in a light hearted style and has many examples pointing out some of the cognitive distortions we all slip into from time to time. Just reading the book will make you feel better and it's a great example of how our everyday thinking is (a) habitually distorted and (b) generally unreasonable. Once we see through these thoughts, our minds become a little lighter.

If want some good words, read this.

Other related articles

Top 5 ways to feel good

What thought am I believing right now?

Thoughts are just thoughts but they do have an effect

Chronic fatigue - the prognosis

2010-12-10T11:57:00.000Z

I've had many estimates from healthcare professionals over the years relating to a possible recovery from my mystery illness varying from 3 months (you'll get over it), to 1 year (think of it like glandular fever), to 10 years (this is how long it will take your immune system to adjust), to never (you have an incurable illness), and finally, to the more reliable, we don't know. During my most most recent meeting with someone who works with chronic fatigue patients I was told this:

10% don't recover
80% learn to manage their illness and live a meaningful life
10% fully recover

Is this good news or not? I guess, statistically, there's a chance of something, but my take home message was this: there's no going back.

Delusion and the self

2010-11-29T11:53:00.000Z

If you've been following my efforts to explain delusion then you'll know that
a) it is necessary
b) there's a layer of interpretation between what we think is going on and what is actually going on

Now, here's the next step. The layer of interpretation is hugely complicated because it is doing hugely complicated things, and our whole lives are an investment in the way it operates. Not only this, because it has a model of how it thinks the world should behave it is then able to screen out large amounts of information and work in abstract ways. We can exist entirely inside our heads, like I am doing now, writing this.

This mental construction gives us a sense that we are separate from the world and we feel that there is something real causing the separation - our sense of self.

So, to summarise, because it is physically impossible to process all the information coming to our senses, we need to have something that cuts it down and chops it up for us. This activity of interpreting information creates a abstract world that is invested with our experiences and ideas. These ideas are separate from reality - they seem permanent, filled with truth - and we rely on them. This becomes who we think we are - a separate, identifiable self.

I think that's enough for now. I'm not trying to denegrate the self, just identify it. This identification then leads to other things.

Who knows what will happen?

2010-11-09T12:56:00.000Z

I don't, do you?

Chronic fatigue and mindfulness

2010-11-06T12:09:00.000Z

Mindfulness is very popular these days (thanks mainly to the work of Jon Kabat Zinn)as a treatment for depression and our relationship to difficult illnesses. Mindfulness is simply paying attention to what is going on. There is everyday mindfulness which is fairly accessible to everyone where we just pay attention to something, and there is a kind of infused meditative mindfulness where what is going on flows through us. The mental quality of awareness is essentially the same in both cases.

How do we know we're being mindful? Just asking, "am I mindful?", automatically creates the correct level of awareness.

So, I use mindfulness quite a lot to relate to my situation and I'll give one example here, although there are many uses for mindfulness. When I'm having a particularly difficult time I like to ask, "where is it now?" This immediately takes me out of mental proliferation about my present difficulty, breaking up thoughts such as 'This is really bad', 'I can't think', 'I can't do anything', 'I'm sinking', ' I can't cope'. These thoughts, although relevant to my situation, aren't really helping me. Instead, I ask repeatedly 'where is it now?'

This question directs my interest into my body so I can find where my illness is. Once I am in my body, I start to find things that are OK - my feet are generally good, my arms and legs work, my organs aren't painful, there is no immediate pain in the body (if I am lucky), there are (perhaps) no physical symptoms. I go on like this, checking out different bits of my body, inside and out, until I find the symptom that is causing me difficulty, usually my brain. Even there I start to explore and find bits of my brain that seem to be OK - awareness is OK, the lizard part is OK, my vision is not right, my frontal lobes seem completely fogged up, I can't really deal with conversation. Sometimes I can identify a particular thought pattern that just doesn't work anymore.

Now I have identified bits that don't work and bits that do work. The next step is to be wuth those areas that are OK and avoid the areas that are not OK, and, importantly, try to do activities that avoid damaged bits. Then, I hang out until time moves on and, hopefully, I can feel happy with life as it is.

Delusion

2010-11-01T12:17:00.000Z

Delusion is current in my mind after being somewhat drawn short over the last week. Delusion is defined as a strong belief that is false, fanciful or not real in some way. It sounds like some kind of psychiatric condition except delusion is like gravity - an all pervasive force of nature that affects us all and that we are completely unaware of in our day to day lives.

How does that work?

In the case of gravity, when we stand up we don't think 'gravity is making me work hard, I feel my muscles straining under the demands of gravity', we just stand up and accept the world we live in. With delusion, our brains are designed to interpret and filter vast amounts of information so that we can make sense of the world and act according to our perceived needs. So, immediately there is a disconnect between what is going on in reality and what we think is going on - this is where delusion sets in.

Not all delusion is bad. For example, it is useful to believe that I'm still going to be here tomorrow and it's useful to have a brain that removes the needless minutiae of living from my field of consciousness - (when you meditate you'll get an idea of the vast array of sensations going through your system at any one time). However, this layer of interpretation is insidious and slowly but surely we come to believe everything that our brain tells us even when it tells us things that are not really true. We form constellations of ideas about ourselves and the world - I'm this kind of person, life should be like this, I'm always right, I'm stupid, it's my fault, I control my body, I'm not deluded, and so on.

One of my major delusions goes like this - I'm having a good day, I'm feeling a bit better, I'm great, I'm cured, I can beat this, it's time to resume normal living, yippee. Then reality bites and I'm taught another valuable lesson.

Chronic fatigue catch 22

2010-10-30T16:05:00.000Z

I'm taking some punishment at the moment from my symptoms. Here's a thing:

- I wake up feeling quite under the weather - the brain doesn't want to get started, it's not good.
- I know I need to thoroughly relax and let myself wake up carefully.
- I have the thought "I don't want to feel like this yet again".
- I get kind of stuck in the thought and it will not let me relax.
- I need to let go and then I will feel OK. I can't let go.
- Now I get stuck in "trying" to let go. This makes this more difficult because I can't "try" to do anything with my brain all fogged up and not-quite-right.
- But I need to relax.
- But I don't want to be like this.
- And so on.

So I learn patience and the waiting begins.

Another word for equanimity

2010-10-14T12:57:00.000Z

Balanced

I also liked quiescent, imperturbable, abiding (especially calm abiding), contented but balanced seems to be best. Are you balanced? Is anyone?

Chronic fatigue and work hardening

2010-10-04T10:57:00.000Z

So, I'm about to embark on a period of work hardening. Work hardening involves taking your daily routine and doing activities as if they were a job - not a full 9-5 job scenario - but doing tasks in a work-like manner and perhaps staying active for a bit longer than usual. This is the next step up from simply coping with a daily routine, and is a good way of testing your progress. I've tried work hardening a few times and it always ends in failure but this is something positive as now I have a yardstick by which I can measure myself by. I also know what it feels like when things start going wrong and know when work hardening is not doing it for me. Think of it as graded exercise but for life. Each time I try it I learn a little bit more about my limitations and I view this as a good thing.

Part of my work hardening is to use a computer a bit more, so I expect to be writing more blog posts as part of this exercise - this may result in lots of pap as it's quite hard to think of things to write about, so I apologise for that.

Another word for feeling good

2010-09-30T08:09:00.000Z

Easefulness

Chronic fatigue and your old life

2010-09-27T14:14:00.000Z

I've been thrown into a spell of quirkiness by a number of people telling me that I should forget my old life and get on with a new life with my illness friend alongside. Hence questions like, who am I? What is my highest aspiration? How can I best serve the Universe?

Now, I should like to point out that it's easy to say 'you should forget your old life and who you used to be' but, after trying for a few years, it's not so easy to do. It's not like selling your old car and getting a new one, or throwing away an old pair of shoes. There's a lifetime of conditioning that needs to be addressed and it's no easy task to pick apart the thought patterns and habitual behaviours that I've adopted over the years to maximise my comfort in life.

Clearly, I have no choice but to do something different. Perhaps the real question is, what do I have to do to let go of whatever is holding on to what I think I am? What makes me want the things I want?

Or, perhaps not. I am just a fish in the sea caught in a rather peculiar current.

'I'll just do this' and chronic fatigue

2010-06-28T07:46:00.000Z

Pacing is a very tricky thing to master and I still haven't managed total discipline in doing it. There are many distractions that draw us away from the refuge of the pacing routine. Here's one scenario that happens to me rather a lot:

1. I'll decide to do a task - say write a blog post. I'll plan it, set a time limit (even set an alarm), and then remember to stay controlled while I'm doing it.
2. I'll do the task. Sometimes I'll get a little buzz from doing it (if I like it), sometimes I'll feel slightly frustrated (if I don't like it).
3. Have you noticed what has happened? The feelings associated with the task have distracted me and my mind has moved on from the initial intention to something else.
4. Now, I'll say to myself - perhaps I'll just write some emails, or I'll just do some music or something else.
5. My alarm might go off, but I'll say - I'm just going to do this little thing.
6. Then I am lost.

Now I set a trap for myself. If I hear myself saying 'I'll just' in relation to anything then I know it's time to stop. Avoid I'LL JUST DO THIS.

Patience and chronic fatigue

2010-05-21T19:03:00.000Z

Patience is a word that comes up a lot when you're living with chronic fatigue. There's a lot of situations to practice it - waiting for a diagnosis, waiting for an appointment, waiting at the appointment (I've had several waits lasting multiple, multiple hours), waiting for the latest difficulty to wear off, doing pacing, waiting to do something you enjoy but can't because you've run out of time, and so on. Sometimes time runs very slowly. Now think of yourself as a patient person and this is the opportunity to practice it, live it, understand it and totally comprehend it. There is a certain nobility to be extracted from it.

Chronic fatigue syndrome

2010-05-19T09:30:00.000Z

Don't expect miracles. Have a ten year plan in mind.

Chronic fatigue syndrome - one thing to remember

2010-05-15T15:00:00.000Z

There is no cure. There might be days when you feel cured , indeed I have the delusion of wellness when I ride my bicycle. I feel as clear as a bell as I coast along and I start planning my new life 'now that I feel better', then when I dismount I feel the life drain out of me and I realise that I have been fooled again. Now, as I ride along I try to remind myself that it is only 'bicycle wellness' and that there is no cure.

No cure also means that no-one knows what causes it. So there's no need to go through the trouble of beating yourself up with statements like 'if only I'd have lived my life differently', 'I should have done this', 'I shouldn't have done that', 'I should have realised', 'I'm to blame'. Forget all that, no-one knows. Better to deal with the cards we've been dealt.

Living with CFS - establishing a baseline of activity

2010-04-06T11:43:00.000Z

This has been THE most useful exercise for me as I progress through the illness. A baseline of activity is a level of activity that allows you to exist with ease, i.e. you have a stable routine that doesn't leave you completely wrecked, allows you to have a normal sleep pattern, or otherwise cause you to experience anxiety that can't be easily processed. You're looking for a level of activity that leaves you with a sense of 'I can cope with this.'

The baseline of activity doesn't have to consist of much and indeed my baseline is quite basic. It involves an activity in the morning, an activity in the afternoon, and an activity in the evening (when I say activity I mean something that is not resting, I don't mean hiking up a mountain). I also try to schedule some 'outside' time once a day even if I don't feel like it. In between activities, I have different modes of resting - cup of tea resting, radio resting, TV resting (not for long), meditation resting, sitting outside resting, staring into space resting, and so on. At some point, as I live in my baseline routine, I establish a level of existence that gives me a sense that I'm recovering and not making my symptoms worse, while at the same time being active.

It's not easy to live a baseline existence. I've had to cut a lot out of my life - working, socialising, doing anything that requires commitment, most activities that require concentration, exercising rigorously, indeed, many activities that are deemed normal everyday things. It seems extreme to live like this but it could not be any other way. After struggling to accept this as my baseline, I realised that this was all I could do to feel OK. Thankfully I have had sufficient support in my life to do this. It's also worth remembering that this is the baseline - this is the starting point for beginning again.

Living at a basic level for a while and knowing that you can sustain this basic level is a tremendous source of confidence. Once you've done it once and seen it work then you always know that there is a level of living that doesn't cause you harm and that allows you to start rebuilding your life. It becomes a safe haven in your mind, a place of being OK, and this is invaluable as you go through the ups and downs of the illness. You always know in your heart that you can be OK.

Causing happiness

2009-03-25T10:57:00.000Z

We live in a universe governed by cause and effect - easy to say, less easy to realise that we are part of this process. Sometimes it is nice to think in terms of - 'what effect would I like to enjoy?' We might say 'happiness' and then we might ask ourselves - 'how can we generate happiness?' There are many ways to do this, some skillful and some not so skillful, but one sure way to get the desired result is to cultivate calmness.

If we are calm then happiness is sure to follow.

Be satisfied with simple things

2008-04-30T16:10:00.000Z

Here's Lily Tarn near Ambleside.

There's no doubt we can find amazing delights in the world, but we should also learn to satisfy ourselves with simple things. Learn to recognise the pleasure in those simple moments.

Look for stillness

2008-04-22T14:02:00.000Z

The more we experience stillness when we can, the better able we will be to locate it when we hit a rough patch.

Train your brain in the pleasant things.

Enjoy today

2008-02-28T09:08:00.000Z

Tomorrow it might be different

Identify joyfulness

2007-12-18T11:37:00.000Z

This is a good technique if you're suffering. It seems that no matter what we're going through there's always a little corner of our being that has joyfulness in it. I'm not going to speculate about joy and how to define it or where it comes from - it's just one of those things we have. So,

1. Sit quietly and identify some joyful moments in your life. Take a moment to immerse yourself in those moments.

2. Now close your eyes and practice some deep breathing. Count your breath if necessary.

3. Next identify the joy within yourself. Try to locate it physically.

4. Now try to merge your whole body with this feeling. Allow it to spread through your whole body or breathe into the place where you found it and allow your attention to settle there.

5. Cultivate the joy and bring it into the next moments of your day.

Joyfulness, happiness and inner peace are some of the way markers into deeper states of meditation. It's good to identify them and become familiar with them as your sense of awareness deepens.

Life is long

2007-11-09T16:08:00.000Z

Be friendly with yourself.